Kelly (darknightcat) wrote,
Kelly
darknightcat

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Life has just been an incredible roller coaster lately. One day I can be the happiest person in the world, people who see me walk by might think, she's in love! or she won the lottery! This former is undeniably true. Finding someone who loves who you are is incredibly empowering and makes one feel beyond amazing. But I still haven't won the lottery, and am still not working on it.

But sometimes fickle reality hits me hard in the stomach, or a blow to the throat, when my eyes tear up and I'm gasping for breath. I reach out and there is no one there for me to grab onto, no one to tell me it's ok and it's not the end of the world.

I love my family inside and out, but the freedom that I experienced in my one year at Cedar Crest is haunting me. I loved it there, and I feel like I didn't appreciate that freedom then, and now that it's gone, I can't even express how much I want it back. Everyone in the world has heard me bitch about my 11 o'clock curfew, but how many can truly sympathize? I don't have another friend in the world with that kind of bullshit coming from their parents. Don't get me wrong, a lot of my friends have other, infinitely bigger bullshit, but come on! I'm not a fucking idiot, I've never been arrested, totalled my car, and for the large part I don't lie to my parents much more than other kids. I tell them white lies that prevents my ass from being grilled, and the only reason I have to tell them these little white lies is because they're stuck in the 50s. This horrible reality that continues to assault me is the idea of moving out.

Now, if I were to simply move onto campus, no big deal! I'd be comfy and still close to home, school dorms over my head with their rules and regulations. No harm done right? Wrong, because Rutgers HATES commuters and we weren't allowed to apply for housing. Thank you, Rutgers, my first RU Screw, dressed up in a straight jacket. So what's the next alternative that so many college kids shoot for? Off campus housing, oh boy! Oh wait, I'm poor! Thanks to having only one working parent, we don't have the income to support "that kind of lifestyle." My brother so kindly tried to break it down for me expense wise and ended up basically shitting on the freedom that was so close to my fingertips. And yet on the other side, the friend side, I'm told, loans! Loans! Every college student gets loans! You'll pay them off! But is it worth it? I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs. I'm working a shit job that pays shit, and I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not just wasting time at school.

And then there's the part of myself that I still hate. The lack-of-motivation-to-do-anything part. What the fuck is that? And when did it start? I have no idea what happened to motiviation. I'll say yea I'm gunna go for a run! And yet here I am, 10:45 typing my problems away, when I wanted to go for a short 2 mile run TWO HOURS AGO. I need to shape the fuck up because honestly I can't stand whatever this is I'm doing.

On a lighter note, I finally updated this because Rich just got a tumblr and I'm not gunna go be that girlfriend who goes and copies everything, but I will be the girlfriend who finally updates her livejournal because I don't think anyone knows about it and that's fine by me. I just need somewhere to vent.

So a quick overview, I'm overwhelmingly stressed out on one hand, and undeniably happy (the real kind of happy, not the artificial "I just bought a new eyeliner" happy) on the other. I prefer happy me.


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