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(entertain me.)

[14 May 2012|05:11pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Is this why you decided we weren't working out? Because I'm so pathetic that even after you've broken my heart, I can't sleep or eat, and all I want is to think that I'm worth you coming back? I've never felt so alone, or so let down in my entire life.

(entertain me.)

[14 Apr 2012|09:46am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Well, I honestly only post here when I really need to vent, so sorry for the lack of updates. But I guess it's sort of a good thing that I don't post here more.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost and hurt and very confused. Am I just messing things up or am I in the right, standing up for what I want and feel like I deserve? I'm not expecting to be number one, to anyone, ever. But I'd like to feel like I'm higher on the priority list than I currently feel. I don't think that's much to ask for, but I've been asking for that for a long time now. It's just been cycles of "well this will get better when school is over" "it'll be better when school's back and you're closer" "it'll be better when we're on break" but how long will this cycle keep going? How long will I make excuses until I'm happy? And why do I feel like throwing up just because I was honest about how I feel? Do you really even want to be in this relationship? If you do, then why do I feel so ignored when I'm not physically around you? It's like you forget I even exist. I don't want to be forgotten, and I don't want to be clingy, I just hate feeling like I'm more invested.

(1 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[16 May 2010|10:27pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

And yet although I prefer happy me, I am anything but right now. Part of me wants to run away just for a couple of hours. Take a long drive like the one I took with Jackie back at Cedar Crest. But I don't know if I could keep myself from crying long enough to focus on the road. I want to talk to someone so badly, but there isn't a single person I know who I WANT to talk to. My head just keeps racing and all I want to do is run and run and run, but it's 1:30 in the morning and not time to run. I don't want to go to bed because I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep. I'm staying on the computer hoping to distract myself until I can finally pull myself together. I just don't know why I can't stop myself from thinking of the worst things about the best people. Sometimes I wish my mind just had an off switch.

(1 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[14 May 2010|10:56am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Life has just been an incredible roller coaster lately. One day I can be the happiest person in the world, people who see me walk by might think, she's in love! or she won the lottery! This former is undeniably true. Finding someone who loves who you are is incredibly empowering and makes one feel beyond amazing. But I still haven't won the lottery, and am still not working on it.

But sometimes fickle reality hits me hard in the stomach, or a blow to the throat, when my eyes tear up and I'm gasping for breath. I reach out and there is no one there for me to grab onto, no one to tell me it's ok and it's not the end of the world.

I love my family inside and out, but the freedom that I experienced in my one year at Cedar Crest is haunting me. I loved it there, and I feel like I didn't appreciate that freedom then, and now that it's gone, I can't even express how much I want it back. Everyone in the world has heard me bitch about my 11 o'clock curfew, but how many can truly sympathize? I don't have another friend in the world with that kind of bullshit coming from their parents. Don't get me wrong, a lot of my friends have other, infinitely bigger bullshit, but come on! I'm not a fucking idiot, I've never been arrested, totalled my car, and for the large part I don't lie to my parents much more than other kids. I tell them white lies that prevents my ass from being grilled, and the only reason I have to tell them these little white lies is because they're stuck in the 50s. This horrible reality that continues to assault me is the idea of moving out.

Now, if I were to simply move onto campus, no big deal! I'd be comfy and still close to home, school dorms over my head with their rules and regulations. No harm done right? Wrong, because Rutgers HATES commuters and we weren't allowed to apply for housing. Thank you, Rutgers, my first RU Screw, dressed up in a straight jacket. So what's the next alternative that so many college kids shoot for? Off campus housing, oh boy! Oh wait, I'm poor! Thanks to having only one working parent, we don't have the income to support "that kind of lifestyle." My brother so kindly tried to break it down for me expense wise and ended up basically shitting on the freedom that was so close to my fingertips. And yet on the other side, the friend side, I'm told, loans! Loans! Every college student gets loans! You'll pay them off! But is it worth it? I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs. I'm working a shit job that pays shit, and I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not just wasting time at school.

And then there's the part of myself that I still hate. The lack-of-motivation-to-do-anything part. What the fuck is that? And when did it start? I have no idea what happened to motiviation. I'll say yea I'm gunna go for a run! And yet here I am, 10:45 typing my problems away, when I wanted to go for a short 2 mile run TWO HOURS AGO. I need to shape the fuck up because honestly I can't stand whatever this is I'm doing.

On a lighter note, I finally updated this because Rich just got a tumblr and I'm not gunna go be that girlfriend who goes and copies everything, but I will be the girlfriend who finally updates her livejournal because I don't think anyone knows about it and that's fine by me. I just need somewhere to vent.

So a quick overview, I'm overwhelmingly stressed out on one hand, and undeniably happy (the real kind of happy, not the artificial "I just bought a new eyeliner" happy) on the other. I prefer happy me.

(entertain me.)

[11 Mar 2010|07:44pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I'm really enjoyng life lately. I've been smiling and laughing a lot more. Stress levels are way low even with exams. I started running again, slowly, but still moving. Still hate work, but Allanah's friend told me about a job today that I might be interested in. Not breaking out, eating what I want, being who I want to be with. I'm incredibly happy.

(entertain me.)

[04 Jan 2010|12:44am]
[ mood | happy ]

I haven't posted in ages. But today (technically yesterday) was one of the best days I've had in a while and I just want to outline it so I can look back and smile :)
Let's start with the fact that I closed at work last night and we were there until 2 am. Shitty, but hey I get paid.
Watched tv for an hour with Maria and then hit the sack.
Woke up around 10 this morning to my dad making French Toast.
Had breakfast with Maria and John for the first time in ages.
Hung out with Maria before she had work.
Allanah came over and then we hit Woodbridge Mall...
We found a ghetto store 'cause she needed pants (for her lovely ghetto butt), and we saw some skank clothes and said great for going out! We were looking at them, then noticed the prices and I said, "We just need to head back farther, places like this always have a $5 rack." We head back and what do we find? A $4.99 rack! I was on a roll.
Then we went to Menlo Mall...
Taco Bell + Cold Stone Creamery = HEAVEN. Crunchwrap Supreme + Birthday Cake Remix = Happy Kelly. We also hit Sephora which was just a whirlwind of success. And we had fun in Aeropastle (sp?) where I thoroughly corrupted some little girl.
Back at Allanah's house we proceeded to watch Family Guy, the Iron Chef America special (Super Chefs!!!), and two episodes of Dexter. Made some solid double date plans with the boys. Annnd we also broke out white cheddar popcorn, and her cat attempted suicide before our very eyes. ...ok that doesn't sound so great but it was funny and was at 12:04 so it wasn't part of the same day...
Just a fantastic day. Plus I can't wait for our double date. :D

(entertain me.)

[20 Sep 2009|11:01am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I felt like I was home.

(1 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[22 Aug 2009|01:47am]
[ mood | drained ]

I fall asleep everywhere, except when I'm at home.
I'm terrified about going to Rutgers.
All I want to do is look at old pictures.
I wish I could go back and do everything again,
I think this time I'd appreciate everything so much more.

(entertain me.)

[17 Jul 2009|12:12pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Life is throwing me one too many curveballs.
I don't know how many more I can handle.
When was the last time I slept through the night?

(1 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[30 Mar 2009|09:54pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Alicia and I ran 13 miles today,
my knee is shot,
my arch is killing me,
I don't even want to stand.
I feel invincible.

(entertain me.)

[19 Mar 2009|06:42pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I wish I could sleep for hours,
and when I woke up, I would want a masseuse waiting for me.
My body is so sore,
I biked 24 miles today.

(1 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[14 Mar 2009|11:51pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

that's the last time I tell you a god damn thing

(2 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[03 Feb 2009|11:16am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Alicia and I ran 10 miles yesterday.
It felt like heaven.

(entertain me.)

[27 Jan 2009|12:16pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I really have to raise my GPA.
I love this school so much,
and I will never be happy with myself if I end up at Rutgers.
Classes are going much better, I'm on top of my work,
but I know some people still believe I'm not going to do as well as I have to.

I signed up for a marathon and I'm training my ass off.
I know someone probably thinks I'm gunna hurt myself,
or not be able to finish,
but I will.

I feel like I have so much to lose right now.

(entertain me.)

=/ [14 Nov 2008|12:37pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

i just don't know why she's doing this to herself again.
i don't want to say more, but she's being an idiot.
she can fix the situation, but she chooses not to.
instead, she's bringing more people into it
and she's only getting more upset when people tell her to stop.
i'm trying to support her. but i can't encourage her.
i couldn't call myself her friend if i ignored the situation.
i really wish she would just open her eyes.

on another note,
maria, sorry i wasn't there :(

(entertain me.)

haven't posted in a while [24 Oct 2007|08:07am]

I found this today while in Spanish... I like it

(entertain me.)

[04 May 2007|04:53pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

having a pretty terrible day
yesterday my mom yelled at me because i hang out with henry so much that my homework must be lacking
so i yelled at her that it wasnt, when in all reality it actually is
i usually make it up during study, which i did today, so its no big deal
but we just started doing really hard stuff in physics and precalc
and im getting really confused and my mom's gunna get all pompous if she sees me struggling
thankfully bamboozle is tomorrow so i wont have to deal with that
but not-so-thankfully my mom managed to lose $110 of mine and i owe my brother $30 and now i have no money to bring with me, and i have to hit the bank again
i also think my mom's memory is seriously going
she asked henry the same question 3 times within 5 minutes
life is really pretty annoying today
oh, and i missed both my shows yesterday and it was hardly even worth it
how's that for my first post in like a year?

(entertain me.)

you can ignore this [31 Dec 2006|12:59pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

so it's new years eve and it's time to make some resolutions
this year i dont really think i have any
they're pretty pointless,
i mean, no one actually follows through with them
i guess if i could follow through, i would make some
but in all reality i can't
this is terrible. i don't know why i bother writing this
but im hanging out w. erika and sam today
going to staten island to hang with their family
i'm just happy i don't have to stay home alone
yep...so that's it
sorry if you wasted your time actually reading this

(entertain me.)

[24 Oct 2006|05:55pm]
[ mood | happy ]

so yea, definitely having problems posting
but obviously the school year has started
and as always it has its perks
as well as numerous disappointments
i got stuck with the same teacher i had last year for english
even though i dropped out of honors
and now i love her
i have at least an A average, and class is fun
unfortunately i got stuck in marine bio
which is just horrible, with a whale for a teacher
(how appropriate)
but i do have some friends in that class
and they keep me alive and sane.
history is good as usual, spanish is still boring
math is just annoying, still, and other than that
psychology is loads of fun and physics is great
so i guess good outweighs bad over here.
running is pretty good, i have a new best time of 22:34
(our course is 3.1 miles for those of you who don't know)
and we have our banquet tomorrow and GMC's saturday
then i have some further training for State Sectionals
and then that's that.
life is alright, so many XY complications
not only w. me, but with other people
and yea. um, that's my life.
oh, can't wait for 24, CSI is swell
erika and sam got me addicted to The Office
and um...the amazing race is alllllright this season
i really hope that life continues on this course
it's good and fun and i feel happy for a change

I'm on a high, on a high and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star, why should I refuse it?

(2 made me smile. | entertain me.)

[27 Jul 2006|04:55pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I have serious issues with contsantly posting.
It's summer and I'm supposed to be having fun.
I'm having something. It's not exactly fun.
I've been spending much more money on myself lately.
I have a new computer and it's nice and fast.
I saw Wicked again with Sam, Erika, Poorna, BrittneyAnn, and Mrs. Kovacs (aka Christine)
It was just as good I guess, but no Shoshana Bean.
Boq and Elphaba signed our homemade shirts.
Now we wanna go see Rent for Erika's 17th.
Haidi's and Fiona's should be coming up soon.
I can't wait for Jaime to come back from her vacation.
I realized how disappointing boys can be.
And I realized how bad it is to be in love with a memory.
Seriously, bad stuff.
I'm throwing more stuff away.
It makes me feel clean and like I'm in control.
I don't have control issues, I just hate mess.
Even though I'm a slob...
I plan on doing my café/bookstore thing with Jaime by the time I turn 30.
I want to work in Forensic Sciences now, Photography on the side.
I think Chemistry is a lot of fun, and my amazing teacher helped me see that.
She's a runner, and she's hilarious. Her favorite show is South Park. Go figure.
English on the other hand, sucked. My teacher just...sucked. I didn't like it.
I'm listening to the Tori Amos CD Tales of A Librarian, for the first time.
And yet, I got it for Christmas two years ago.
I got rid of a load of shoes. It felt really good.
I watched Fight Club the other day.
I realized it's a really good movie. Filled with some good points.
I'm tired of summer already. I want school, something to do.
It's weird, and I feel dependent, but I want distractions.
Distractions from the fact that I look forward to running and working out
and reading, and writing, and studying, and failing tests.
And later going to college, getting a steady job,
and falling into the pattern that all people eventually fall into.
It's gunna happen fast. And so many people won't be ready for it.
I want to be ready.

When you gunna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gunna change so fast.

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